Developing Trust

Unity is the aim of every healthy relationship. This is the aim of marriage (Gen 2:18-24). It is the aim of the church (1 Cor 1:10; Eph 4:3; Phil 2). It is also the ideal for a nation (The United States). Unity defines the relationships within the trinity (John 17:11, 22-21). It is also what we should strive for in our relationship with God (Rom 6:17; 1 Cor 10:31; 2 Cor 5:15). However, in order for any true unity to be achieved, trust needs to be established. Trust is the key ingredient for unity. Without trust, unity will only be superficial at best. But how can such trust be achieved when men are so manifestly untrustworthy (Psalm 12:1; Prov 20:6)? Jesus himself had little trust in men (John 1:24-25), and yet he continued to foster trusting relationships. Here are some thoughts on how we can continue to develop trust. For the record: I would be very interested to hear your feedback. Feel free to pull me aside on Sundays or send a quick email with your thoughts on this subject.

How to Develop Trust in Relationships

1) Show that you make your decisions not based upon your own interests but on the interest of others or even a higher interest (2 Cor 5:15; 1 Cor 5:31; Phil 1:22-26). 

14 For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; 15 and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. (2 Cor 5:14-15)

31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Cor 10:31)

21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22 If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. 23 I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. 24 But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again. (Phil 1:21-26)

Show those you work with that your decisions are made in the best interest of the company or team that you work with. In the church, show that you care for the growth of others even more than comfort and convenience. In the day-to-day decisions of live demonstrate that you want to live for the glory of God rather than your own glory (2 Cor 5:15; 1 Cor 10:31). As people consistently see the kinds of decisions you make, they will grow in confidence that you will make those sorts of decisions in the future. If they realize you are driven by principles and not by other selfish impulses—like fear, greed, laziness, or pride, they will not panic even when they don’t immediately understand the rationale behind those decisions. 

True unity is dependent upon having a unified purpose (goal, aim, mission), and trust in one another’s commitment to that aim. Unity is achievable in our Christian relationships if we devote ourselves to rightly interpreting the Word of God and submitting to it. The biggest hinderance to unity is selfishness. When people see that we are more committed to Christ than our own interest, then they will know that unity is achievable. However, when we ignore Scripture or allow it to be superseded by other principles, then trust disintegrates.

 

2) Show that you genuinely care about others (Rom 12:9-10; 1 Thess 5:15). 

9 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor (Rom 12:9-10)

15 See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. (1 Thess 5:15)

This is similar to the previous, but in this point, showing affection for people, rather than maintaining principles and consistency in decision-making, is in view. The adage is usually true, that people will not care how much you know unless they know how much you care. The root issue here is sincerity. Little things like opening the door for others, replying promptly to texts and emails, remembering birthdays, and paying for lunch are readily noticed and will pay decent dividends in developing trust. 

3) Be reasonable and open to change (Phil 4:5; James 3:17; Tit 3:2). 

5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand (Phil 4:5)

 

17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. (James 3:17-18)

2 to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. (Tit 3:2)

Show that you are open to the possibility that you don’t know what is best. Seek knowledge and understanding from those whom you disagree with. Don’t just seek to destroy opposing arguments but seek to identify precisely where the disagreement with your opponent lies. Show that you are open to change if reasonably persuaded. If people know that like Luther, you will be persuaded by Scripture and plain reason, they will recognize that unity is achievable, if they too are open to what logic and the Bible would suggest is true, good, and beautiful.

4) Be honest about your own weaknesses and failures (James 5:16; Prov 26:12)

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:16)

12  Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? 

There is more hope for a fool than for him. (Prov 26:12)

One doesn’t need to air out all their dirty laundry when they first meet a person. However, when people realize that you yourself are aware of your own shortcomings, this builds trust. The most foolish person to trust is the one who is always right in his own eyes (Prov 12:15; 26:12). If people know that you are aware of your own weaknesses and sinful tendencies this suggests that you will be open to confrontation. It also demonstrates that you know you are not always right and therefore you are open to reason. Most importantly, it demonstrates that when they fail, you will not shun them because you too know what it is like to be a failure. 

Just consider, who are the people you trust the most? Why do you trust them? What about them makes them trustworthy? Actually seek to answer these questions in your mind before reading on. It will be a fruitful exercise. Then consider, how like or unlike these people are you? Do others consider you trustworthy? In what areas? In what areas should you not be trusted? 

In order for people to trust us, we need to first be trustworthy. In order to be trustworthy, we need to know where we are not trustworthy. We need to be honest with ourselves and with the Lord. Knowledge of our failures and weaknesses will tempt us to want to hide them. But this will only lead to hypocrisy which like any disease will not remain hidden for long. It will destroy us and our relationships (Psalm 32:1-3). Hypocrisy is a much greater threat to unity and trust, than failure is. Just consider, when somebody sins against you, would you prefer them to own up to it, or hide it and pretend the wrong never happened? 

Trust is critical in all our relationships, but especially in our relationships within the body of Christ. Our relationships with one another will only be as strong as the level of trust we enjoy. Many people, afraid of being hurt, avoid relationships with others. Superficiality will not make waves, but it is also very brittle. They like bigger churches because they can remain anonymous. Let’s be honest, such situations are more comfortable and far easier. But they usually foster spiritual atrophy and create an illusion of safety. In fact, we are likely in more spiritual danger than safety in such situations. We will be forced to battle on our own, which we were not created to do. We will be more prone to self-deceit.  Our relationships are only as strong as the trust that has been fostered within them. The strongest churches (and families) are not those with the most money, most people, most technology. They are those that pursue true unity through fostering trust.

How do you foster trust with untrustworthy people?

Even though trust is the key ingredient in strong relationships, and therefore we should always want to develop trust, this does not mean we should naively trust any and everyone. It is critical to remember that our trust should only be limited to the trustworthiness of a person (John 1:24-25; Prov 7). So, it is not a sin to lack trust, however, it is a manifest weakness in that relationship. If you are okay with not trusting a person, then you are okay with not wanting a good relationship—which is choosing not to love them. If we care about unity, love, and the growth of others—we need to allow trust to develop. So, we should want to develop trust in our relationships, but that trust should not be developed too quickly. Healthy trust takes time and consistency to grow. However, in order to have strong relationships with others, we need to allow them to earn our trust. This some necessitates vulnerability and willingness to risk being hurt. Christians should be willing to take such risks though, because of the trustworthiness of God. Since we know that God is sovereign and good, we can reasonably risk entrusting ourselves to others, because we have already entrusted all of our lives to him (Matt 6:25-33; 1 Pet 4:19). The only hurt and losses we will ever experience are the hurts and losses he designs for our good and his glory (1 Pet 1:21; Rom 8:28). So even if others are untrustworthy, God is fully deserving of our trust (Prov 3:5-6). Therefore, risking trust is not naïve, but an expression of reasonable faith in God. 

There are also practical things we can do in our relationships to help strengthen trust. For the sake of memory here is an alliterated list of steps we can take to develop trust in our relationships: Perceive, Pray, Point out, Patience. 

Perceive: We need to begin by identifying what specifically we do not trust in a person. What is about them that turns us off?  Is it perceived attitudes in them? Their past actions? Our own personal apprehension? We need to acknowledge the possibility that the lack of trust in the relationship might be our own unreasonable fear or bias. Therefore, we must first determine if our trust is truly unwarranted. Are there specific and objective reasons for the lack of trust, or are we merely being prejudiced and cynical. Have they actually done something to warrant our mistrust, or are we merely justifying our own lack of love? If we determine that our mistrust is reasonable then we need to identify specific reasons for our mistrust. 

Pray: I believe the most powerful weapon in our spiritual arsenal is prayer (Eph 6:18; James 5:16). Remarkably, it is also the weapon least relied upon. 

18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints (Eph 6:18)

The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:16)

Jesus tells us the spiritual fruit will be brought about through prayer. Three times in the upper room discourse, Jesus exhorts his disciples to pray for spiritual fruit.

13 Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it. (John 14:13-14)

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples (John 15:7-8).

In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. 24 Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. (John 16:23-24)

We can have confidence that God will honor a prayer request that aims at spiritual unity. Jesus himself prayed precisely for this.

20 “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, 21 that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, 23 I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. (John 17:20-23)

Not only can we have confidence in the effectiveness of such prayer. Prayer will also work to affect change in ourselves. Praying for others and anticipating change will soften our own hearts and increase our expectation of growth in others.

Point out: If the relationship is strong enough, it might be worth the risk of sharing why you specifically lack trust in a person. This is the quickest way forward, but there is considerable risk. You risk both vulnerability in being honest, and you also risk giving offense. If your admonition is not taken well, you also risk losing the relationship. Therefore, care and caution should be utilized in presenting your concern. You will want the person to recognize that you are addressing this area of concern precisely because you want to strengthen the relationship and because you want to increase in trust in them. Then be specific as to why you lack trust and then suggest what they could do in the future, to help you to grant them more trust.

Patience: Do not expect a quick fix. Like a good roast or a fine wine, the best trust takes time to develop. Know that you will also continue to face setbacks in developing trust, because people will continue to fail, even in areas they are trying to grow in. Don’t give up trying. It is helpful to remember how patient the Lord has been with us.

16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 1 Tim 1:16)

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Col 3:12-14)

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Eph 4:1-3)

preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching (2 Tim 4:2)

On October 21st, 1805 Admiral Horatio Nelson of the Royal British Navy had just caught the Franco-Spanish fleet in a blockade of the coast of Cadiz, Spain. However, just before the notorious Battle of Trafalgar he discovered that another admiral and his captain were not on good terms. When Nelson was enlightened of their personal conflict, he invited them both to dinner on his ship. He placed their hands together and then pointed to the enemy's ships, earnestly looking them both in the face, uttered the simple words: “Look, yonder is the enemy.” It was enough; disagreements were forgotten, and victory was achieved. 

Sometimes all that is necessary to achieve unity is the reminder that the enemy is not one another, but sin. And we often need others to remind us of this point, and to remind us that our aim is not to get what we want—but to achieve unity and work together in accomplishing the work that God has appointed us to do.